Subtract Another Point from Our Collective IQ

Every time they make one of these programs, and people phone in or get to be contestants our collective IQ drops. It's a drip-drip of stupidity diluting our general intelligence. The chief huckster is Noel Edmonds, deluding the gullible on Deal or No Deal, "Yes you have no idea of probability but if we all believe and have faith we can beat probability.

Come on everybody start chanting,

There is no probability, There is no probability, There is no probability,

that's it, if only we believe we can overturn the laws of physics, we will escape gravity. What's in that box? Remember the rule a newbie never has a blue number (what fucking rule Noel? where do I find this in the books of probability?). Oh dear the banker has won again. remeber the only certain probability on this show is as long as you keeping hoping-against -hope I will keep pulling in a big big salary. Look it's in the box, but I'm not going to open it.

The cheap new age snake oil spirituality peddler.

He's the one they all look up to. Jasper Carrot on his aptly named new show Golden Balls looks up to him and Nick Hancock on his even more down market show, Win my Wage, if only they could, hey Nick, looks up to him as the master spinning finacial gold from people's creduality.

But maybe it's only to be expected when so many people have seen the property lottery deliver so many prizes. All of life must be like that. We're all winners. We only have to believe in something, write it down on a piece of paper and voila it's there for the taking.

On the property lottery people should remember that the Bulls and Bears are in a constant battle. The market's down, the Bears have the Bulls pinned to the deck and then the Bulls slip free and run only to hauled down again by the Bears. Round and round again.

Look at nature it always strives to achieve a balance, sure it gets way out of kilter, but it always rebalances. Nature will rebalance the climate, though we may not be around to see it. It might be more monkeys or possibly dolphins or just wildebeest taking over, but it'll rebalance.

So sooner or later countless aeons later there will be a wildebeest standing in a TV studio on the set of Lion or No Lion, trying to decide which box contains the Lion. And some wheedling Crocodile intoning,

"Well in Box 3 there has never been a Lion."

" Errrrrr hummmm errrrrr grunt grunt errrr Box 3."

"Oh dear that's never happened before. Can somebody pick up his intestines?"

Imagine Hanging onto the Facial Shrubberies

Unacceptable Fights on Youtube

Schoolkid fights being shown on Youtube are just unacceptable. It shows how low state schools have sunk. Look at this appalling image, quite frankly it's not good enough. The quality is so low you can hardly see what's going on. Mobile phones simply do not do this justice. What these kids need are proper high resolution cameras, so we can see what the hell is going on. How are we expected to see the level of injuries if there's no zoom? The government needs to provide the so called "media study" students with decent equipment so they can record these fights in better detail.

There is also something else very disturbing in these films. These kids have no idea how to box. They flail around like some sort of animated scarecrow hardly landing a blow, and when it does land it barely bruises. Boxing should be introduced for boys and girls alike.

In contrast the Americans do this so much better. Look at this film on Youtube. The quality is so much better, you can really see what's going on. And there's follow up. In the kid films there is no follow up, do we know what happened, the results, do we euphemism. On the Iraq film you get to see the nailed Iraqi in the wooden hut, his body twisted and shredded by bullets, blood splattering the walls.

Cohabitors To Be the Same as Marrieds

So, no sex then.

It's Not Us, It's Them

The Daily Express carries a survey saying bus drivers are the bossiest, rudest and least considerate drivers on the road, carried out by vansunited.co.uk.

No clash of interests there then.

Tomorrow I'll be carrying the survey that shows beef is much better for you than pork, carried out by donteatuspiggieseatthosesmellycows.co.uk

DER-DUM DER-DUM DER-DUM

Virgin Chief Drug Shock

Big story of the day. The Sun is shocked Richard Branson has taken drugs. I think The Sun is turning into some sort of maiden aunt, " I can't believe Richard Branson has taken drugs, he seemed such a nice chap."

Though Dicky Branson seems a little disingenous when it comes to cocaine; “I suspect I‘ve tried it, yes.”

You suspect you've tried it? Did you just think you were helping somebody with their hoovering, and why was their dust in such straight lines? Then you realised that you were the best airline owner in the world, because your planes got so high, hey that's really funny my planes get so high, did you hear that my planes get so high, because i just said my planes get so high, that's really a clever thing to say isn't it......

Thanks Dicky.

Nato Mulls 'smaller Afghan bombs'

So they won't hurt as much. Just some sort of bruising then.

North London Man Still Surprised

Totally Out of his Orbit

Move Along Now, Nothing to See Here

The Brazilian cleaner dances her way free from court.

I merely choose a number of paragraphs from the Guardian report. I impute nothing about the spotless reputations of the people involved in this case. Indeed they are as spotless as if a cleaner had come along and buffed them up, all bright and shiny.


"A Brazilian cleaner accused of blackmailing a female judge and stealing two sex videos from a male judge walked free from court today, after prosecutors announced they were dropping the case."

"This morning, however, prosecutor John Black QC, told the court that no evidence was being offered against Ms Driza, 37, because the two judges were now ill and there was no prospect of them giving evidence. "

I offer my condolences to the judges, who must indeed be very ill not to be able to give evidence in a case where alledgedly they were being blackmailed.

And so everyone leaves court with their characters as unsullied and as spotless as if they'd employed a special new cleaner to make everything sparkly and smell as fragrant as roses.

From the Wimbledon Guardian

"Speaking outside court today Ms Driza told reporters: "Justice has been done. I am very happy and very proud of God." [And I am sure he is of you darling]

The exact basis of her appeal can not be reported, but is believed to centre around new evidence."

She's cleaned up. A very polished performance, indeed.

And now she's off to complete her final year of her philosophy degree. What next? A law degree, taking silk, maybe? Roselane Driza QC, has a nice ring to it.

Expert Schmexpert

What is it About Water Experts

What is it about water experts? A long time ago, when spandex was first bursting forth around the loins of rockers there seems to have been a moment when lying around, stoned off their tits they thought "Hey, man water is like so cool. It's just flowing everywhere, like. It drips man, it drips."

So the ultimate water head is


"Water is genius , man. Man it's so cool. It's like so everywhere."

Let Them Have Hovels

They may have known something about planning in the past.

"Yet the government has long known that major urban flooding is inevitable. The Stern report on the economics of climate change, and the 2004 Foresight report - the most wide ranging analysis of future flood risk in the UK - warned that flooding costs could rise from about £1bn a year today to nearly £21bn a year later this century. The EA has been spending nearly £500m a year improving defences but has long been saying that it needs to spend £250m a year more now, and £1bn a year later; and the chief scientist, Sir David King, advised several years ago that flooding will worsen as extreme weather becomes more frequent. To rub it in, the National Audit Office reported only last month that 50% of all UK flood defences were not in target condition." Guardian

And they still want to build on floodplains

There's Friends, And There's Facebook Friends

Greedy Arse

This is Kay Burley, Tiannamen Square

Be Prepared

Don't Panic

Fuck the Prince

Prince Juancar: "Do you realise what it will mean if you get pregnant? This is going to be the closest thing to work that I've ever done."
A reference to the baby bounty, EUR2,500, the spanish government hands out.

This cartoon was pulled in Spain because it offends royalty. Police began taking away copies of El Jueves magazine. A judge described the cartoon as being clearly "denigrating and objectively odious;" two cheers for that then. If you can't denigrate royalty and be objectively odious about them, then who can you denigrate and ode about?

How the Fuck

Poverty Gap

Poverty Gap?

Is that crap beige clothes for poor people?

Why Did the Dog Cross The Road?

for a Pain au Chocolate.

mmmmmmmmm un pain au chocolate, j'ai faim, comme toujours, on y va, la la, mmmmm pain auuuuuuuuuuuu chocolate.

la la, je suis un chien avec un mission, la la

mmmmmm c'est bien pour la forme, traversait la route comme-ci

oooooh la, je suis presque la, pain au chocolate, j'espere elle reste la

je puis presque scente le chocolate

booooooof c'est quoi ca? mince je crois il voudrai prendre mon pain au chocolate.. grrrowlll

boooooooof bloody bicyclette
voila prendre ca, c'est un roue tres faible

ooooooh la la fucking chien

merde, fucking bicyclettiste

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooffffff woooooooooooooooooffff

mmmmmmmmmm on y va, ou est le pain au chocolate?
c'etait la ou la, mince je perdu le pain au fucking chocolate

We are Amewsed

Though, why is George the only one suspended over Iraq? Check out Mark Steel.

Crash and Burn Posh

With all the stories I could be obsessed with; Iraq, Iran and its incipient nuclear plan(t)s, George Bush's stupidities, the Lizards in the House of Parliament, Global Warming, Honours R'Us, ID Cards or rampaging comedy al qaeda units, no I turn my back on all of those and spurn them like I would a rabid dog and become fixated on Posh Spice. Maybe in this age of mindless celebrity Victoria Beckham is the vacuous heart of drossness. She's gone to Hollywood to be famous; to be the uberceleb, to be the alphatart.

She's famous for what? In historical order: being a spice girl? Look at the videos, she does fuck all, standing there without even her characteristic, mindless pout, OK she can sing a bit but so can a lot of people.

She's the subject of a football chant, "David Beckham, David Beckham do you take her up the ARSE, up the ARSE ? Though this may not be satisfactory to Vicky, can I call you that Maam? as it doesn't contain her name.

She's married to David Beckham one of the more clueless footballers to put on the England Captain's armband, and there have been a few of those. And as a footballer he can only do two thing, take free kicks and pass the ball a bit. Yeah right. In the words of George Best, who could play a bit, "Beckham cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that he's all right." Thanks George. Plus he's petulant little git who lost us the game against Argentina in 98. And he's been caught playing away with his goldenballs with two other ladies.

She's had three children. Not especially distinctive.

She's famous for her clothes, she designs them you know. And her role model is Sandy from Grease. OK.

Oh she does a few handbags, has sold sunglasses and a his-and-hers perfume called Crass, or something like that.

So she moved to the US on July 12 with the pussy-whipped Beckham in tow.

I feel like I'm watching the Hindenberg slowly crash and burn. That's fairly comforting thought, like nursery food, thinking of Vicky Beckham as a Zeppelin. Often while sitting at my desk and the news is slow I lie back in my delux easyboy and fantasise about kidnapping Posh, tieing her up and using a gavottage machine to feed her pureed kebabs and fish-and-chips until she can barely use a scratching stick.

For the moment things aren't going as she really, really wants. American critics are panning her self indulgent hour long advert for herself. In particular the New York Post. Just a little taster; vapid condescending, slack-jawed at the gall, "best friends" on the payroll. Read it and relish.

From the New York Times

"There has to be something going on behind the scenes because there is no other way to explain so much time and videotape spent on the moving arrangements of Mr. Beckham’s wife. Mrs. Beckham, the once and future Spice Girl nicknamed Posh, is somewhat famous for being sort of famous, and is photographed a lot in Britain, a nation so open to media hypnosis that a Web site devoted to the ripening of a 44-pound wheel of cheddar has received more than a million Internet hits. (As of today Wedginald is on Day 206.) "

Why does she annoy me? Well she's a talentless woman basically, who's whoring herself for celebrity and to boot she thinks we're stupid enough to be gulled into staring slack-jawed at her.

But then, I've just written this.

A New Bike

Boris picks up a new bike.

Sky Oooooooooooooooops

On camera presenter talking about Becks and the stick insect leaving for the USA


"it's kind of an adieu rather than a permanent goodbye."

The Dempster's Dead, Long Live the Dempster

RIP and just before retirement

FOP

A Flood of Whinging

Live Earth

Let's all save the Earth by switching on lots of lights,

cranking up lots of speakers, flying in and pandering to lots of celebrities, switching on all our television sets, sitting down and watching with a cold beer from the fridge......

Paranoid or What

Some photo sharing site, some paranoid person posts this picture of a party at their shed.

Go figure.

Hey Me

The Madonna Live Earth song

"Hey you, look it's me,
don't you give up,
it's not so bad,
there's still a chance for my record sales.
Hey you, just be yourself,
don't be so shy,
go out and buy,
our celebration is going on tonight
DVD available tomorrow."

"Like an Opportunist
for the umpteenth time
it's me me me me
Like an opportunist."

thanks Madge

"Get orf my land"

thanks madge

"Is everybody looking at me, am I desirable? I know the secret of the universe, you know."

thanks madge thanks

Hull Rues the Day

It is forgotten no longer. Hazel Blears is on the way. See, you could have remained forgotten but no you had to start bleating.

We Say, You Pay

Eckoh has to pay up.

Down on Great Newsome Street

Total Bombast

‘Those who cure you will kill you’

Errrrrrrrr yes right.
Unable to resist gloating beforehand the bebearded man laughed evilly as he thought of their amazing plot to kill the infidel. Look, I'll tell this bumbingly clergy man, Canon Andrew White, and I will tell him that those who cure you will kill you. He'll never get it. Hee hee this is so clever.

Later in a mosque

A Man of Peace (for it is he): Who have we chosen for out extremely clever plot?
Another Man of Peace: We have settled on two, Mohammed Laurel and Mohammed Hardy.
Man of Peace: Excellent they shall rue the day etc etc....

__________________

It is fortunate that instead of using doctors they didn't use hospital cleaners.
"Right, when the kafir managers tell you to clean; you pretend to clean and all praise to Allah the ingrates shall all die of MRSA."

Doctors, schmoctors. Most doctors I've met I wouldn't trust with a burnt match. Or a lit one in this case.

Now, this clergy man, the Rev Bumble, told the foreign office " I met a horrible man, he was a very horrible man, I didn't like him, I thought he was the Devil."

Now there appears to be a bit of a hole here. Did the foreign office not bother to ask why he was bleating on about this, didn't they bother to ask what this guy said exactly. Or did they and nobody bothered to do anything about it?

Cut to a high-tech Spooks like office:

Sharp good looking public school guy: What do you think he meant by "those who cure you will kill you?"
Young working class token lady spy: Dunno.
Sharp good looking public school guy: Mmmm it's almost like a clue.
Young working class token lady spy: A clue, like in a crossword?
Sharp : Yes, but it's a bit harder than the Sun's quick crossword isn't it?
Young: Yeah me dad said in the past like the secret services were very good wiv cryptic crossword sort of clues an stuff.
Sharp: Yes, I believe so. But we don't hold with all that intuitive, spot a pattern in cryptic utterances malarkey these days.
Young: Shall I bin it Sir?
Sharp: Yes, no on second thoughts give it to the smelly welshman over there in the duffelcoat, he likes that sort of stuff.
Right, shall we do it? Toff and pleb uniting in an orgasmic transcendancy. A splendid mixing of class juices.
Young: You're hot you are.

That's More Like It

Spot the Toad Competition

Loony Backbencher

Harman Misdirects

Nose Picking and Balloon Blowing

Balls of a Backbencher

Let's Get Our Priorities Right

Wimbledon is being derailed.