Three Women Walk into a Bar

Sit down and talk to each other about their problems, listening carefully, repeating what the other person said to them and what they said to them and mulling over what they really meant and sometimes being a bit bitchy. Then they go home slightly tiddly.

That's why Women aren't funny.

They think too much, listen too much and take themselves too seriously.

On the other hand Men don't.

Or sometimes they think too much and develop whole political and philsophical and religious movements that require bloody crusades and wars and genocides. Or they listen too much and end up listening to God and carrying out the Missio He's given him, usually with a hammer and against prostitutes. Or they do take themselves too seriously and build cruel and evil empires in which millions exist to serve them. Stalin wasn't a great one for standing around talking about norks and doing "Suit you Sir" impressions (though he did do the very boysy thing of making lists, Top 500 people to execute today) and Hitler's attempts at stand up weren't that good, not many laughs but huge audiences. Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer is not that good a catchphrase.

But these guys and similar of their ilk aren't the real guys. The real guys don't take themselves seriously, ever, that's why there are more funny men than funny women, you can't be serious about humour.

But as Christopher Hitchens points out Women don't need to be funny to get a shag, they just need to be there. Men have to stand up there, with a hostile audience, pitching a line and usually getting shot down. That breeds funny.

The worst comedians are the ones that go round the audience, "Anybody here from Portsmouth?" "Anybody here from Fowey?" That's the variation of the bloke asking "Where do you come from?" "What do you do?" That's flailing around in a nervous sweat about to tip your pint over your groin and to be gonged off with scorn.

Next step on the comedy evolutionary ladder is holding the audience in contempt, attacking them and generally taking the piss. The Darcy approach. Be contemptible and funny for such a long time, then when they're least expecting it, turn on the charm and they'll be like bunnies caught wide eyed and lolly-gagged int he headlights of your charm and ready for a good running over.

The final step on the comedy evolutionary ladder is to be searingly original and funny. That's a bit difficult but there you go.

I never said it was easy being a Man