Best Daily Express Story Ever

The Daily Express is like an aging relative that you once admired for their courage and vitality who now despite your better instincts embarrasses and annoys you as it sits there farting, drooling, fiddling with its gonads and ranting at the top of its voice about,

"Them killing Princess Di."
"Who dearest?"
"Them, the Royal Family, the Queen Mum in the White Fiat, she flashed the car and it crashed, They killed her."
"Some tea?"
"Not if it's been made by an illegal asylum seeker, has it? They're everywhere you know."

Leading to the ultimate Daily Express front page

ILLEGAL ASYLUM SEEKER

KILLED

PRINCESS DI

If they're not banging on about Lady Di or asylum seekers then it's house prices crashing on upwards, which is an indicator about the market, if the Express thiinks house prices are still going up then you can hear the creak of the iceberg as the good ship Homeowner steams full ahead.

Exactly how does the Express think that it is "THE WORLD'S GREATEST NEWSPAPER"

how does that work? A paper obsessed by the death of the world renowned air head Di, sad yes but a major conspiracy maybe only in the wildest realms of speculation but if you are the world's greatest then why keep banging on about it, there are a few other issues out there.

The other thing they have on their front page is "5p CHEAPER THAN THE DAILY MAIL" maybe it's a trick of my memory but I'm sure it used to just say cheaper than the Daily Mail, which sums it up. Get the Mail and Express together and it's going to be like a zombie film as they stagger towards you, arms outstretched, chanting Princess Di and Stealth Taxes.

But the Best Express story ever, well since the 60s, was yesterday,

"Harvest mice back after 100 years"

Harvest mice are lovely and cuddly and impossibly optimistic building their nests in corn, a race against time before it's reaped, they look so cute when they're nibbling on a blackberry almost as big as they are. Apparently they are back in Shropshire, so three squeaky cheers like the mice on Bagpuss.

They have a cute page on Wikipedia, conceited, arrogant voices off to the left "but it's not accurate" yes it is you wallies, but an even cuter one about Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse. And they prefer salty water to fresh water, they must be the feistiest Harvest Mice ever. More cute photo at the Mammals Trust. I can't stand rats but love the different mice, I must be ratist.

So that's the best Express story ever, since the 60s at least.