Me Dysmorphic, Fat Chance

Looking at the Independent spread on Dysmorphia I'm convinced that I have Dysmorphia. I've done the quiz and I've racked up a glut of points.

Do you feel you are disgusting

Yes, I'm Jabba the Hutt, but even he pulled Princess Leia. You know if one were so inclined and one pondered on Leia in Jabba's Palace, she must have been there at least a couple of months. What indescribable things did she have to for Jabba, anyway enough of that...

Am I forever checking my appearance and forever comparing my body with other people's

Yes, does my gut look big in this T shirt? And I'm always comparing myself to Peter North, how does he do that?

Do I avoid being seen in bright light or from certain angles

Yes, I am a thing of the night but i hadn't thought about the angle thing, when I'm doing it do my jowels hang down and wobble? Right doggy position for me from now.

Do I attempt to camouflage my defects with clothing, make up or posture.

Unfortunately yes, I wear fishermen's jumpers at all time and it's fucking hot at Stringfellows, I can tell you. I hadn't considered make up but maybe if I painted my gut bar coloured i'd look like I was standing next to a lumpy bar? Posture? Well I do thrust my hips forward so my packet looks bigger but it's putting a lot of strain on my back.

Yes and I do constantly groom, every week or so.

And I am seriously considering a surgical procedure but i'll wait until they get those cock jobs so they work afterwards. I'm not sure if others think I look normal.

But then again you wouldn't find me climbing into bed with Posh, I'd be scared of cutting myself to pieces, let alone the conversation.

Mind you the woman in the article who uses some sort of bady scanner to assure women that they are normal has some brilliant advice for the ladies. Dig out the old bikini pictures of yourself that you've hidden at the back of the draw, those ones you hated and look at them now after 5, 10 or 15 years and see how good you really looked. That's stunning advice, look at pictures of youself ages ago and now you can sit down at say fuck that was then, this is now, I'm so old and saggy. Women are like farmers, they'll always find something to complain about, too thin, too fat, too old, not enough setaside or subsidies.

That's the wonderful thing about being a man, we look at George Clooney and Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven and know we are them; we are Sean Connery in Goldfinger, no matter how addled, gutted or droopy we are, we are them in our minds, "And we don't care," to echo Johnny. But magazines have had a longer time to addle ladies self image; men's mags are trying to do the same now, throw them away and watch Ocean's Eleven, and yes Julia's too too thin in that film.