Don Life-Jackets Gentlemen and to the Lifeboats

This little bit out of the Guardian's property section is very much in the bell-boy giving you stock tips. Time to get down, put your helmet on and wait for the shit to hit your position.

It's Streatham on a property page. It's advertising new flats in the old Streatham Odeon. Luxury flats, well almost, with a balcony looking out over Streatham High Road.

It's not a great location you have to grow into the High Road, eventually you will develop a fascination with the variety of sirens on the Road and you will saviour getting a fabled triple; fire brigade, ambulance and police all steaming up and down the High Road at the same time. You're unlikely to get the Fantastic Four, I've tried calling the coast guard to Streatham but they won't come. Still, it's a challenging location.

We like to keep Streatham untainted with middle class pretentiousness and general smuggery. No Costa Coffee here, nor Cafe Nero or a mini Marks & Sparks foodie hall jam-packed with the most marvelous zucchini blossoms flown in from Italy this very morning. We were the only place to have a MacDonald's close down, it was too expensive and too pretentious.

So rather like a bumptious bell-hop in 1929 giving one a stock tip in a lift this is the sign that the bubble really is about to burst. £280,000 for a 1 bed room flat here, in Streaters, they're having such a giraffe. My helmet please Sergeant.